Ordinary 23, 2012

Job 23:1-9, 16-17

Then Job answered:

"Today also my complaint is bitter;

his hand is heavy despite my groaning.

Oh, that I knew where I might find him,

that I might come even to his dwelling!

I would lay my case before him,

and fill my mouth with arguments.

I would learn what he would answer me,

and understand what he would say to me.

Would he contend with me in the greatness of his power?

No; but he would give heed to me.

There an upright person could reason with him,

and I should be acquitted forever by my judge.

"If I go forward, he is not there;

or backward, I cannot perceive him;

on the left he hides, and I cannot behold him;

I turn to the right, but I cannot see him.

God has made my heart faint;

the Almighty has terrified me;

If only I could vanish in darkness,

and thick darkness would cover my face!"

Psalm 90:12-17 Page 718, BCP

Domine, refugium

So teach us to number our days *

that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.

Return, O LORD; how long will you tarry? *

be gracious to your servants.

Satisfy us by your loving-kindness in the morning; *

so shall we rejoice and be glad all the days of our life.

Make us glad by the measure of the days that you afflicted us *

and the years in which we suffered adversity.

Show your servants your works *

and your splendor to their children.

May the graciousness of the LORD our God be upon us; *

prosper the work of our hands;

prosper our handiwork.

Hebrews 4:12-16

The word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing until it divides soul from spirit, joints from marrow; it is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And before him no creature is hidden, but all are naked and laid bare to the eyes of the one to whom we must render an account. Since, then, we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast to our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Mark 10:17-31

As Jesus was setting out on a journey, a man ran up and knelt before him, and asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus said to him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: 'You shall not murder; You shall not commit adultery; You shall not steal; You shall not bear false witness; You shall not defraud; Honor your father and mother.'" He said to him, "Teacher, I have kept all these since my youth." Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said, "You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me." When he heard this, he was shocked and went away grieving, for he had many possessions.

Then Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it will be for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!" And the disciples were perplexed at these words. But Jesus said to them again, "Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." They were greatly astounded and said to one another, "Then who can be saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "For mortals it is impossible, but not for God; for God all things are possible."

Peter began to say to him, "Look, we have left everything and followed you." Jesus said, "Truly I tell you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields, for my sake and for the sake of the good news, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this age--houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields with persecutions--and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first."

Job is a man of whom it really can be said that he was unjustly treated. He seemed to have everything going for him. He seemed to have everything... but... in short order, as the story goes, it was taken from him. He has some cause to be angry... I think, he has some cause to seek answers, and he has some cause to point a finger at God... at least to ask the question, “why?” Here is a man who works and wills to order his life in all ways it seems. He was a successful businessman, his neighbors respected him, he was a family man, and he was devoutly pious.

A man comes to Jesus. Is he the “rich young ruler”? Luke calls him “a ruler” in his Gospel and we know from the story that he was wealthy. He was devout... and I think he was sincere. He had some doubts and he saw in Jesus a teacher that could help him with these doubts. He leaves troubled... more troubled than he was before he asked his question... perhaps more troubled than he had been his entire life. We don’t know anything about this “rich ruler”. We don’t know how he became wealthy or how his stature in the community was developed. We do know that he was devout. We know that he cared about his religion and was serious about it. We know that he recognized something in Jesus that many did not. Did he have an agenda that we know nothing about? Was he hiding something? We just don’t know... however it seems he was simply a sincere seeker who really wanted to know the answer to the ultimate question, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?”

The story records this moment where Jesus looks at the man... and loved him...

This is the moment before he tells him the one thing that he lacks...

This is the moment that I want to stay with. I want to cling to this one moment. I want to live in this moment... but... and I get this feeling that Jesus is almost reluctant to go on... the love of God, it seems, does not “live” in a moment.

So Jesus tells this man the one thing he lacks and it catches this poor man completely off guard. This is not what he expects at all... or so it seems. He is completely deflated... undone... dejected. He goes away sad. He knows that this is the one thing he’s feared and he can not, at least at this moment, in this crowd of people, agree to this demand. Maybe later... he came to desire so much to follow Christ that he gave all that he had to the poor and left all of his life behind... we just don’t know. We only know that this man left so deeply troubled about giving up this part of his life. So deeply troubled that he left and probably didn’t return. This is a man eager enough to be with Jesus that he ran to him and got down on his knees to ask his question.

What is it about Christ that is like this? What is it about Christ that we fear? I think this story instructs us about the nature of a truly devout life... a life given to God. I think when we approach Christ and ask “the ultimate question” we must be willing to hear the impossible. We must be willing to bear the weight of a sadness that may come when we hear the answer... the answer that we may not expect. I think that throughout our lives... if we are open to listen... we will hear the “answer”. Christ will take us unawares.

Christ turns to a group of disciples who have left everything dear to them to follow him. They are perplexed, frightened, and maybe even angry about what they just saw. “Why turn away a guy who has wealth and power... surely the kingdom could use men and women like this... but not only this... Jesus seems to say that his wealth and position just gets in the way of salvation. OMG! What are you saying!?” Jesus had much to say about wealth and power... none of what he says is flattering and what he doesn’t say is even less so ... but what we see here goes beyond that. Jesus is getting at the heart of what is ultimately important, what is important eternally... at least for this rich young ruler... and for the disciples... and for us, if we are willing to hear.

God’s love does not rest in moments. God’s love is pervasive and persistent. God’s love will not allow us comfort if being comfortable keeps us from really seeing what is important. We must be willing to bear the impossible. We must be willing to give all.

Amen. 

Autumn

Advent is around the corner and things are changing. Of course things are changing, this is what the season is about.

My internship with Saint Paul's will conclude at the end of Advent. I wish I could say that I'm really looking forward to it... or do I wish I could say that I wish it wouldn't be ending so quickly. I'm ready for it to be over but I have some real concerns about the direction some things are taking. I have this strong sense that once ordained and serving in a faith community I will be "used" to plug gaps in "ministry". I feel like I might be stuck in something that I really don't have a desire to do. Right now that's kid's formation. I like hanging around with the little kids (teens as well) but this is not what I feel called to. What I feel called to, is what I’m trying to sort out during my internship, where I am helping out with the little kids. Working with, being with, or teaching little kids (and teens) can be fulfilling and fun... I can take satisfaction in that I am helping the community in a really practical way as well... I’m watching kids while mom and dad get a chance to take part in formation of their own, I’m giving mom and dad a break, I’m giving the kids a chance to experience the scripture and the prayers of the church, I’m allowing others to take a break from the responsibility of doing this, and the list goes on. And while doing this at Saint Paul’s I have been told/asked/encouraged that I will be taking over the “youth group” at Christ Church when I return. OK. I feel like I’m being asked to plug gaps... is that what Deacons do? I confess... I’m disappointed. I thought the ministry of the Deacon would be something a little more... important?... more sophisticated?... more adult? Well... maybe it is... or maybe it isn’t. I shared my feelings with J and with my “mentor Deacon”. Both were sympathetic and agreed with me. I shouldn’t merely be used to fill ministry gaps, or take up the slack because people are tired or just unwilling to step up. I agree with their agreement but... on the other hand... a Deacon is a servant. So I’m hearing the Holy Spirit whispering to me that, “This is what I’m calling you to. I’m calling you to fill the gaps.” So I need to continue to think on these things but I’m not nearly as concerned as I was or as fearful.

My vision for my ministry is beginning to become more focused... some of this vision I can't articulate at this point. I don’t know how I will “live into it”. I know it has something to do with reaching out in the community, opening my ears and eyes to the lives of the people in the community, especially among the working class and the new comers and their families. I want to reach out beyond the walls of the church to bring “church” to these people as well, to “plant” expressions of “church” in nontraditional ways and places. Evening Prayer in the park, Morning Prayer at the coffee shop, and other “rest stops” for busy lives. I want to see the church (Faith Community) offering “ministries” to needs; Recovery groups, Parenting groups, Support Groups, and I want to see Christ at the center of these activities, touching the lives of people.

Of course I want to be an integral part of the worship of the Faith Community as well. I feel I’m gifted in some sense to be a presence at the Liturgy and feel that this “grace” will be intensified at my ordination. The church needs these “icons”... and I’ve consistently felt this as a calling.

So, things seem to be progressing as they are meant to be. I will be “preaching” at Saint Paul’s before I leave. A scary idea but one I am willing to take on. I’m going to be “preparing” some homilies in the next few weeks as practice and will post them on this blog. It’ll be good practice.

End of Summer

The office reading for tonight from the Old Testament is Job 3.1-26. If anyone might lay claim to feeling so bad that he wished he were never born it might be this man, Job, but the curse laid on his birth day is epic. This is Job’s opening salvo at the injustice of all that has happened to him. I can relate to these words and feelings. My complaints pale in comparison and amount to no more than pathetic self pity. When I read these words I admit that I feel that Job is justified at least. Last night I had one of those nights. Confusion about my call, anxiety about the firing of my kiln, frustrations about my failures as a dad, my struggles from day to day, and a few other minor irritations swirled around me like biting flies. Thanks be to God the “torment” didn’t last long. I was able to quiet myself and the “flies” at least stopped biting. It wasn’t long and I was asleep with the thought that God will sort things out and in the morning I would see things a little more clearly. And so it was.

An email came from the Bishop’s office the other day containing a few points addressing some questions from us “second years”. Some of my colleagues have asked if our internship could be extended a few months or more. The Canon through whom the email came stated that this was allowed as long as all parties agreed. I talked with my host priest and we decided that it was worth praying about. I also shared with my sponsoring priest. I think this caused some concern and will soon be visiting with her about this. She and I have talked about my coming back and both of us have felt excited about that. We will have an interesting visit I think. I do want to be back and serving in my home/sponsoring faith community but I do have reservations and want to be open to the Holy Spirit. Maybe hanging around St. Paul’s for a couple of extra months will reveal something new? 

Friday, July 20

Lately, or I should say, more and more, I’m thinking about getting back to my home faith community. And of course, what I should be doing as a deacon in my home faith community. 

I may be getting ahead of the game I suppose but I’m not trying to get a “jump” on things; I’m only reacting in a normal and natural way to what is rising in my heart. 

I think in this respect my “internship” has been very good. It has been a good time for reflection. 

I am in an “in-between” time. 

I am immersed in a new and different faith community with no position, knowing that it will be temporary. 

It is a waiting time. 

It is a time for listening. 

Though I do feel called to Austin and to Christ Church I may hear otherwise. I want to be open. I want to hear what the Spirit is saying. 

That was an important aspect of the “internship”; to take me out of my familiar surroundings, to see a different expression of the same faith, and to expect the Holy Spirit to speak still.

The 7th Sunday after Pentecost

I saw a colleague from my cohort of postulants the other day and visited with him for a few minutes about our internship. We asked each other in turn how things were going and agreed that we are basically observing and participating as “members”. He made a comment that the priest at his host community told him that he didn’t want him starting anything that he would have to continue after he was gone. Clearly this makes a lot of sense. I spent some time thinking about this on my way home from my host community. I am more or less a visiting member. I am trying to be a committed and active member while I’m with St. Paul’s and am enjoying the fellowship and worship. I am learning but only by observation and the occasional question that I might ask. There is no formal program at St. Paul’s for interning a candidate. To be fair, I wasn’t a postulant when I was introduced to St. Paul’s and being a postulant doesn’t guarantee that I will be ordained. I do appreciate the casual approach of the priest and deacon at St. Paul’s. They have many years of experience and want to make sure that I have the space to discern where my gifts and ministry move me. However, I think it would be good for an intern to do some things that a Deacon would do. Read the Gospel, set the Table for Holy Eucharist, and dismiss the people. Maybe shadow the deacon during an outreach ministry in the community.

This mornings first lesson:

David and all the people with him set out and went from Baale-judah, to bring up from there the ark of God, which is called by the name of the LORD of hosts who is enthroned on the cherubim. They carried the ark of God on a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, were driving the new cart with the ark of God; and Ahio went in front of the ark. David and all the house of Israel were dancing before the LORD with all their might, with songs and lyres and harps and tambourines and castanets and cymbals.

So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing; and when those who bore the ark of the LORD had gone six paces, he sacrificed an ox and a fatling. David danced before the LORD with all his might; David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.

The priest began his homily by speaking about David’s dance before the ark, how the lesson left out a bit of the story where Uzzah reached out to steady the ark which was being carried on a cart and was killed by the “glory” of the Lord. Later David learned how the ark should be carried and gathered the people of Israel to transport the ark. He danced wildly before the ark, stopping every six paces to offer sacrifices. David danced so before the Lord to save himself and his people from being destroyed. He danced to save his life! After this short reference the priest mentioned the General Convention of the Episcopal Church and read a Wall Street journal article that blasted the Convention, The Presiding Bishop, and the Episcopal Church. He also read a couple of responses to this article from an Episcopal Bishop and a layperson that detailed the errors of the WSJ article. He came right to the point and made a statement that was really profound. We like David are “dancing” before the Lord to save our selves. We are engaging in the “questions” of the day and pushing forward despite what others do or say. We must. 

"Staying"

One of the most telling images for the importance of staying is the advice given by another nameless elder to a brother struggling with temptation: "Go. Sit in your cell and give your body in pledge to the walls”. You have to promise yourself to yourself and to your actual environment, as if you were settling a proposal of marriage. You have to espouse reality rather than unreality; the actual limits of where and who you are rather than the world of magic where anything can happen if you want it to. The fantasy world is one in which I am not promised, espoused, to my body and my history---with all that this entails about my family, my work, my literal physical surroundings, the people I must live with, the language I must speak, and so on. It is a rather startling intensification of the command to love yourself in the right way.

This passage is from the book Where God Happens by Rowan Williams. It’s found in a chapter entitled Staying. I began reading this book months and months ago and for one reason or another put it aside a number of times. Each time I picked it up I read something that spoke to me. I’m making the effort to get through it during my summer months when I’m a little less pulled away though I’m finding I’m as much pulled away as I am during the school year. The subtitle of the book is “Discovering Christ in One Another” but it's really a meditation of lessons of living a devout and spiritual life taken from the desert mothers and fathers.

This chapter on “staying” is just rich. It speaks to me of my wandering mind and the boredom and monotony of everyday living. I must pledge myself to my life as it is and where it is. I can’t forsake the simple things like regular prayer, whether I “see” the mountaintop or the desert valley. This is a rich book that I will need to go back to again and again.

Postulant

I am officially a postulant for Holy Orders in the Episcopal Church in Minnesota and am looking towards ordination as a deacon sometime next summer. I no sooner got the news than I was met with a wave of doubt and anxiety.

The doubt and anxiety arise with the question, “Are you sure you shouldn’t be a priest?” and the statement, “Once you become a deacon you’ll never be a priest.” So I begin to try to sort it all out in my mind. “Can’t I start out a deacon then be ordained a priest later?” or, “Aren’t I drawn to the sacraments and the Altar?” So the questions start and the anxiety grows. At one point during this episode I struggled with the thought that maybe I’ve just been wrong about the whole thing and a fear gripped my mind and heart that I was just following a fancy of my own mind and that I wasn’t really called to orders at all.

A little help over a fence along my winding road

So I stopped trying to sort it out and began to pray and listen. I resolve to give it over to the Holy Spirit and before long the questions resolve themselves. I sensed this is either a vanity on my part or a spiritual “battle” meant to dissuade me. I felt I needed to speak aloud my confession, “Lord, I am fearful. Open my ears so I can hear clearly.” I also spoke about my obsession with the idea of the priesthood and verbally set it aside. So I came through this with a clearer sense of my place and calling.