Postulant

I am officially a postulant for Holy Orders in the Episcopal Church in Minnesota and am looking towards ordination as a deacon sometime next summer. I no sooner got the news than I was met with a wave of doubt and anxiety.

The doubt and anxiety arise with the question, “Are you sure you shouldn’t be a priest?” and the statement, “Once you become a deacon you’ll never be a priest.” So I begin to try to sort it all out in my mind. “Can’t I start out a deacon then be ordained a priest later?” or, “Aren’t I drawn to the sacraments and the Altar?” So the questions start and the anxiety grows. At one point during this episode I struggled with the thought that maybe I’ve just been wrong about the whole thing and a fear gripped my mind and heart that I was just following a fancy of my own mind and that I wasn’t really called to orders at all.

A little help over a fence along my winding road

So I stopped trying to sort it out and began to pray and listen. I resolve to give it over to the Holy Spirit and before long the questions resolve themselves. I sensed this is either a vanity on my part or a spiritual “battle” meant to dissuade me. I felt I needed to speak aloud my confession, “Lord, I am fearful. Open my ears so I can hear clearly.” I also spoke about my obsession with the idea of the priesthood and verbally set it aside. So I came through this with a clearer sense of my place and calling.