Continuing On... Continued

Much has occurred in just over one year. Much growth. Much trouble.

CPE has come and gone. I did my clinical work at a hospice and convalescent facility near Austin and drove to Robbinsdale for class and group work every week. I put on about 5,000 miles and clocked 400 hours in clinical and class work. The work was good but hard.

Classwork this year has been more rigorous but I enjoyed it all the same. When classes overlapped I really felt the pinch. Ouch.

Standing Committee was a test. A test that is ongoing. Difficult. Necessary.

Cohort is good. Getting to know these friends is so good. These are becoming vital and real friends and colleagues. We share highs and lows every month. Not always easy but always worthwhile.

Internship at Emmanuel has been good. I’ve really enjoyed myself but the time has gone by too quickly. Stretched myself a bit but what I’ve been doing feels like what I should be doing.

This year, from summer to summer, has been tough. At times I thought I was sinking. It’s been grim at times but throughout I’ve heard the voice, felt the presence, and sensed the call.

Much left to do. Much left to learn. Much left to experience. Much left to hear, feel, sense. Transformation is not easy.

continuing on

I was feeling more stressed than I thought I was through Lent and into Holy Week. Easter felt like a stone rolled away and off my back. I had a great dinner with family and that added to the feeling of relief. School seems lighter, Classes are lighter as I'm only doing a Saturday workshop in a month with little reading and no online requirements this time around, and I canceled my clay class at the Art Center. I'm nearly ready to go with CPE this summer. I am applying for candidacy so things are moving right along though not without some anxiety. 

I worry about time and what time might do to Christ Church. Its felt like a long road for some of us. I want to make sure we are moving along in a good way; positive and hopeful. It feels like we've been in transition for many many years. I want us to make sure we are minding ourselves and not worrying too much about the present situation. We need to see ahead and be hopeful. I am worrying about our cohesion as a faith community. I feel we are losing touch with each other and feel there isn't much I can do about it but encourage everyone. There are no crises at the moment but there doesn't seem to be much spark either. We need a focus on what's real, honest, and important... and I'm not feeling that.

Jumping into a new thing

I knew this was a winding road.
I am now in formation with gaol of being ordained a priest, God willing and the people consenting of course. Christ Church voted to move to a "Ministry of All the Baptized" model of governance and ministry and I was stirred to consider, then discern, then pursue what I felt/knew to be a call.
It was a lot easier last fall when I had made the decision and then began to share it. It seemed like the right choice and I felt good about it. This hasn't been a constant feeling. It hasn't been very easy lately. Of course I have a lot going on; School for Formation, trying to sort out a future placement in CPE, teaching classes at the Art Center, making sure I take care of business at school, and worry about house and family. It's a lot to take on... maybe a little too much going on.
On top of that I'm constantly thinking about Christ Church and how we are going to fare in the future. I'm confident we'll be able to carry on and have some hope that we might be able to do better than carry on.
Not seeing the road clearly... and fearing the worst at times is not fun.

So long and then Compline

It's been so long since I felt the need or the desire to post on this silly blog. Just now I was reading Psalm 31 in Compline and the thought came to post it. 

Compline is such a wonderful and quiet prayer. I read this for deacon Mary-Frances just two days before she died. She was a little agitated when I sat by her bed. She drifted in and out of sleep but would talk between times. I asked if I could pray with her and chose Compline. As I read she would awake and smile. We held hands. After I finished we said our goodbyes. 

In you, O Lord, have I taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame:
   deliver me in your righteousness.

Incline your ear to me;
   make haste to deliver me.

Be my strong rock, a castle to keep me safe,
for you are my crag and my stronghold;
   for the sake of your Name, lead me and guide me.

Take me out of the net that they have secretly set for me,
   for you are my tower of strength.

Into your hands I commend my spirit,
   for you have redeemed me,
   O Lord, O God of truth.

death

Our good friend Terry Dilley passed away about two weeks ago and we held his funeral today. He was a really wonderful guy. I'll miss him and miss the opportunity to talk with him. He was just brilliant. 

He had been ill for some time. We were all sad as we watched him deteriorate. He was last himself during Advent season while teaching a small group of us about Anglican history. He complained a little about feeling weak and having some difficulty swallowing. 

Terry was received into the Episcopal Church in Minnesota about 10 years ago or so. I had met him in passing about 25 years ago then again at Christ Church about 8 years ago. Of course, I had heard much about Professor Dilley over the course of those intervening years. I may have met him again on occasion but just don't remember.

He and I were among a small group of people who lead our little church through some very difficult times. I don't think Terry enjoyed that... but none of us did and he was a rock through it all. After it had blown over and we moved on he and I talked often about church and literature. I loved listening to him though much of what he said was way out of my experience.

The family was sad but strong.

They held a great party for him tonight with a nice jazz band and good food and friends.

Vigil

The Exsultet

Chanted the Exsultet at the Vigil last night.

Well... I should say I attempted to chant the Exsultet.

I murdered it pretty soundly.

Being a Deacon is not always easy.

Power

The source of all church power, from popes to pastors, from mother superiors to novices, from lay ministers to people in the pews, is, we know, the Holy Spirit. And church power is always, at heart, pastoral power. It’s power given for the care and flourishing of God’s people. Church power, in all its forms, is meant to hold us in harmony with God’s unseen order. It isn’t wilful; it isn’t controlling. It is slow to condemn and slow to excommunicate. Rather, it’s meant to hold us in God’s mercy. It’s meant to hold us in Christ’s arms where we experience the healing touch and feel the breath of the divine. That’s the heart of the church’s power – to gather and to hold to tell again and again the story of God’s fidelity, to break the bread and share the cup.  Donald Cozzens

I read this and immediately apply it to my call as a deacon. This is the heart of my ministry and the reason for my call. I might add the thought of how this power, gifted to the church by the Holy Spirit, is a power to reach out and touch all God’s children and all of creation; that pastoral power extends out to all whether in or out of the church. The Gospel reading this week was John 4 where Jesus passes through Samaria and reaches out with grace to a Samaritan woman staying two days and touching many. This is my call as a deacon and our call as the church.