I wear the collar on Sundays and of course, the stole over my alb. This is really new. I think I am different. I feel the role in any case. I don't feel more powerful or more holy, or even more spiritual though I do feel a new motivation perhaps... maybe a new and deeper sense of my calling. My footing is firmer... I definitely feel that my feet belong on this path.
I am caught up in a greater story. As a layperson I felt that same sense of wonder but this is a bit different and so have been deconstructing that feeling. Why should I feel different? Why should I think differently? Surely we are on even footing... that is, there is no separation between clergy and laity... we share the same calling... we are called to be saints together... called to be priests together... called to service (diakonia) together. So my ordination is a lateral calling. I stand beside my fellow christians.
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| Hermitage of St. John of the Desert |
On a different note altogether... The morning after my ordination I awoke with some heartburn. I rolled around in bed trying to find some relief but it persisted. I finally got up at about 4:00 or so to walk around to see if that would help and realized quickly that it was getting worse. I woke J up and told her that she would need to bring me in to emergency. We also awoke our sister in law and asked if she could drive us in as we were staying with her (my brother was in the BWCA). In any case it had gotten pretty severe by this time and so we felt we should call 911! Pain lessened by the time paramedics got there and then we drove in to the emergency room. Gall bladder attack! I thought I was having a heart attack and that this might be it. Many thoughts ran through my mind as I was curled up on the floor waiting for the paramedics. I was probably scared but I was surely disappointed. Ordained in the evening and dead in the morning definitely went through my head... but mostly was just disappointed that I might go this way... on my brother's floor with my wife and sister-in-law pretty nervous and worried... and my girls all sleeping obliviously in rooms around the house. I felt pretty helpless... and shocked that I might go without a chance to say my goodbyes etc... It really made me think of how people face death. Some may get the chance to go peacefully, surrounded by loved ones, saying their goodbyes but others leave in great pain and shock, curled up on a floor with no chance at last minute words of love. Pretty sobering. I have surgery this month.
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