I am just finishing up the worst week I’ve had in at least a decade, probably more I think. Just spiritually and emotionally wrung out like a dirty dishrag. Actually a dirty dishrag probably is nicer than how I’ve felt all week. Two things have been the main players.
One is the question that I’ve been struggling with for many weeks now. Am I a priest or am I a deacon? I know this is serious but why does this continue to keep swirling around in my head? Prayer doesn’t seem to get me anywhere and thinking surely doesn’t. Right now I will say, like I did during my initial discernment (and my discernment team seemed to say the same thing) I can’t say emphatically no to the priesthood but I can say yes to the diaconate. What’s wrong with this? Some I’ve talked to just say it’s wrong and you need to be sure. Maybe.
Another issue is my psychological examination. What a trouble this has been to me! I read it with a growing sense of alarm, shame, and almost complete disbelief. I just was completely undone by what I read. Still am feeling just about done in by it. I went through it many times. I emailed and asked for revisions in some of the language (very damning in my opinion), which they changed immediately. I then went through the recommendation section point-by-point and added comments to rebuff what was written. The recommendation itself wasn’t really the issue. I felt it was over-stated but it did address an area of my life that needs some work. What I was upset about was the mess the psychologist had made of the reasons for his recommendation. I was just floored. I get it that psychology uses a language that I may not be used to but most of what I read was just off the mark. My faith story was more or less thrown aside for a very clinical and cynical edit. The thing that really struck me was that it was written with authority and absoluteness. I just feel helpless, knowing that this document will go to the Bishop.
The question now is what I need to do. I will admit that early on in the week I felt as if I should just cache it in at this point and forget the whole thing. I honestly don’t know what is keeping me from doing that. I wonder if shame isn’t keeping me from it more than anything right now. This is a very hard time. To top it off I just feel dried out spiritually. This is a carry over from the week before.
Last night I had a brief moment of awareness that the presence of the Holy was with me. It was a sweet sense of peace and stillness.
One thing that is just astounding is the ferociousness of this episode. It’s been oppressive. I can’t reason my way out and I can hardly pray. I’m just hanging on and going for the ride. I should be telling myself that I don’t need “validation” from this psychologist; that I find my validation in my self and in my faith. But I just can’t seem to tear myself away from the abjectness of it.
I did contact a number of people about this but heard scant little in return. I didn’t share details but generally told them how I felt after reading the assessment. I feel that they just melted away from me. It’s not easy to be near someone who is touching “death”... better to keep your distance. I know the feeling. I’m not complaining or accusing them of doing something wrong. This is natural. It points out to me the insidiousness of my experience though. One thing can demolish a credible reputation. I did contact the Missioner for Ministry and explained how I felt and asked if I could send along my version with my comments. She said that she would welcome that.
No comments:
Post a Comment