To Be or not to Be

I’ve been wrestling with my call lately. I think this may be due to my Internship. I’m trying to figure out what I should be doing to help out around Saint Paul’s and, at the same time, trying to get some perspective on what I’m discerning to be my particular gifts and ministries, how my gifts fit in as an Intern at Saint Paul's, and what I’ll be doing after my ordination.

I've been struggling with fears that I might be on the wrong track. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I should be discerning for the priesthood instead of the diaconate? This hasn’t been an intense struggle; it's just been a question of doubt in the back of my mind. I don’t want to get this wrong.

I read the Examination of a postulant/candidate for the Diaconate from the Ordination Rite of the Book of Common Prayer.

My brother/sister, every Christian is called to follow Jesus Christ,

serving God the Father, through the power of the Holy Spirit.

God now calls you to a special ministry of servanthood

directly under your bishop. In the name of Jesus Christ, you

are to serve all people, particularly the poor, the weak, the

sick, and the lonely.

As a deacon in the Church, you are to study the Holy

Scriptures, to seek nourishment from them, and to model

your life upon them. You are to make Christ and his

redemptive love known, by your word and example, to those

among whom you live, and work, and worship. You are to

interpret to the Church the needs, concerns, and hopes of the

world. You are to assist the bishop and priests in public

worship and in the ministration of God's Word and

Sacraments, and you are to carry out other duties assigned to

you from time to time. At all times, your life and teaching are

to show Christ's people that in serving the helpless they are

serving Christ himself.

My brother/sister, do you believe that you are truly called by God

and his Church to the life and work of a deacon?

I can say after reading that this describes perfectly (somewhat generally) what is in my heart to do. I wonder where the questions came or come from? It may be that I don’t see these roles being played out in "real life" very clearly. In many ways I'm confused by what I see. I see roles that are somewhat muddled throughout the church. Priests doing too much, Deacons not doing enough, and Lay People sort of filling in when and where they can. The church needs an injection of reality. We need to begin to deconstruct our own house and get to the bottom of this. We need to ask all the hard questions and seek the real answers.